Anti-Pick Up Lines for Use Against Aggressive Women

(Disclaimer: As a guy, a single one, I am a pro at this. I ask you kindly not to try this at home or the local digs. I am not responsible for the devastating consequences.)

While this may seem egotistical, I am the hottest commodity on the market. Intelligent, good looking, drive a nice car, and a long list of other attributes. It is said that in my natural environment I am a trophy animal of utmost rarity. Of course, this is before my shirt comes off or in the rare occasions, I wear shorts in public. When this happens most people gasp in horror wondering whom unleashed Frankenstein from the local freak show, it is not as if I chose to wear these scars, or wanted Jericho Buttons. These things happen… Whoa just broke from the subject.

At a bar or in a relationship, there are things better left unsaid. I truly do not care what others think and am more than capable of relaying that “hard earned” experience. Below is my personal list of anti-pick up lines they have squandered more opportunities than I care to remember.

1. I am sorry, but your boyfriend or husband looks mad…

Women hate the reminder that they are no longer on the menu and the fact that some of us actually do hold some scruples and dignity. For some of us, this is the ultimate sin and we will bring up the fact. Though most do not, forgive the nice guys for finishing last. Perhaps they try to embellish on some fantasy of a bad boy unafraid of risk. If a woman comes into a bar with even a “guy friend,” they seem unable to comprehend that we do not want to deal with the drama. We also do not want to feed their ego or pump up the tires so someone else can ride. The defensive expression and stuttered responses produced following this proclamation tend to ruin the moment.

2. You seem wonderful, but I approach relationships like a business partnership. What do you bring to the table?

Somehow, this seems rather offensive. It gets multiple strange and terrifying facial expressions. Like investments, I tend to look for the long term, especially in the day and age of true asset devastation from a “short-term” investment. The bringing up of parallels of finances put them in complete flabbergasted disarray.

3. You are nice, but obviously only one of us cares about our body.

The truth hurts, if I wanted to go whaling I would be onboard a Japanese ship just south of New Zealand. If you approach someone thinking that confidence is the key to his or her heart, sorry expect devastation. Personality is great, do not get me wrong, but it will get you only so far.

4. I am sorry, but I do not take home drunks.

There is absolutely no sport in seeing, talking to, or seducing a drunk woman. Perhaps it is chivalry… more than likely it is my chronic fear of having my carpet steamed cleaned due to a Jason Pollock created out of multitude of red or blue cocktails. Women hate the reminder that they are not at their best and even more so since the “I am so drunk” pick up line fails.

5. I am looking for an equal… Dr. Seuss is over there.

Intelligence is a necessity. This particular class of women hates the reminder that in two weeks you will not be returning phone calls, since you will be bored out of your mind.

6. I am sorry, but you have customers waiting. Please, just give me your number…

Women seem to focus directly on an individual that catches their attention. They tend to take it badly that someone reminds them that other people are out there that do need them and right now. For some strange reason professionalism is sexy, especially if a lady can carry on a business negotiation while dropping you digits. Anything else is creepy. If you drop this particular gem, expect a scene.

7. Do you honestly think I care about…

Women hate to hear that their personal agendas and crusades mean absolutely nothing to you in the initial five minutes of meeting. Once again, this is offensive to most, perhaps it is the lack of validation. While these things will endear women to us in the end, they do not belong in a first meeting. This usually earns a slap, if you chose to respond with this.

8. I got her phone number, so stop asking me what I think about her…

Women get defensive when confronted on their ceaseless quizzing of what you think of another woman. As a guy, I harbor the sneaking suspicion that anything I say at that moment is going to end up on my tombstone, so why not pass out a shovel while I am at it. This causes flared nostrils and dilated pupils.

9. My last girlfriend consisted of a raging psychopath and your eyes remind me of hers.

This one sells itself. Women certainly hate hearing about old flames and even a slight hint that they might personally not be psychologically sound. This one might actually lead to blood loss.